Some “Abouts” are just a few witty lines. I wish I could do that, but please take a few minutes to get to know a wee bit about me and my search for sobriety, optimum health, weight loss, and healing from chronic illnesses.
Potato chips. Salty. Chocolate. Sugar. Red wine. Beer. Margaritas. Diet coke. These have been just some of my hard to beat addictions that I struggle with. Not to mention ipad, and sleep.
I am seeking to be sober minded at every moment; meaning “of a sound, still mind, rational and sensible”. The word sobriety, while seeking out all its definitions and synonyms I found simply and beautifully to mean….”levelheaded, dignified, earnest, thoughtful, solemn and sensible.” Qualities hard to maintain while under the excessive influence of red wine or Cadbury eggs; as well as trying to maintain the fruits of the spirit momentarily: love, peace, faithfulness, joy, goodness, gentleness, kindness, patience and ….. self control? Each day with new mercies I live for a new sober-minded me.
Bottom line- I am in recovery. Recovering from a debilitating illnesss (cerebral spinal fluid leak), interstitial cystitis (Painful Bladder Syndrome) and from the daily fix, be it Mr. Merlot, Sir Ruffle or Lord Cadbury. ( I joke there, but these items really had a hold on me)
Though it was my physical recovery from an agonizing condition that actually became a blessing, as strange as it sounds, and steered me in the right direction.
I am a child of God, wife and mother of two, who began recovering from a cerebral leak, and healing from the chronic pain of intracranial hypotension. This was a humongous wake up call. I was almost one year on bedrest. It was a horrific excruciating experience that enabled me to come to my senses. I found the strength through God’s grace to finally begin to leave the junk food behind. I believe with all my heart and soul the body can and will heal itself if given the proper nutrients.
Even so, consistency is the key and after all I had learned and spiritually grown, regaining my strength and finding myself back to the land of the living ….some of those habits and temptations started to peek their ugly heads out and….I began to fall off the wagon train.
I grew up in Long island, NY, a baby boomer, with ring dings and yodels in the house, these types of snacks were probably my first addictions; and even though I did much exercise and had seasons of a very fit lifestyle over many years, I had my yo-yo fat/skinny seasons as well that I contended with. Sugar and salty snacks became addictive and I usually drank beer at parties and barbeques. Cocktails and red wine began later in life (about 38 years old), 7 years after I moved to Spain.
My husband and I often had red wine with dinner, though I was usually on my second glass while he was still on his first. I loved red with a tex- mex meal, a juicy steak and salad– I mean, if I was going to deprive myself of sugar and salt, that meditaranean diet had to at least have red there for me, but it slowly became a stinky habit.
Excessive wine and certain foods took a part of my heart. And I didn’t want to give it to God. So. I kept indulging, getting fatter, though still exercising and feeling fit much of the time, I was tired and my body was breaking down with age.
But, oh- the grace that came.
So after I was hit with my cerebral leak, and months on bedrest, I began to “seek out sobriety on all levels”. Could I stay “in control”? Could I just have two handfuls of chips instead of two bags? Could I finally have just one glass of red like “normal” and “self-controlled” drinkers? Could I maintain the healthy lifestyle I began and eat just a few squares of dark chocolate? Now I “fear” the cerebral leak worsening if I were to over indulge again. And I “respectfully-lovingly fear” my mighty God who I believe allowed my ordeal to happen to bring me to my senses and closer to Him.
At first it was easy, I was ill. Of course when I’m nauseas and my head is splitting from a sagging brain I’ve no desire to partake in junk food or alcohol. Yet as I began focusing on eating well and after a year of feeling much better and healing settled in, the pull to indulge began.
I realized I needed to begin a new story, a new journey, to journal my fight against addictions that weakened the real me, that weakened my spirit and pulled me away from a stronger more intimate relationship with God. I needed to continue strenghtening the spirit, taking self control and responsibility for my health and body. I want to live a long life with my husband and see my children’s children. We had our children late, when I was 36 and 41, I want to be a part of their lives for as long as possible… but not just “there”, I want to be elderly and in optimum health. I knew if I didnt start feeding my body the healthiest of foods and cut out the crud I was playing with fire.
I did become a little obsessed with the all natural food craze and it was/is so dang hard the more I healed! At every turn there was something else calling me. So what happened?—-typical of my addictive tendencies, I ended up playing with a flame or two. I returned to some salty bingeing, ( not too much sugar or alcohol, thank God- but way too many chips and gluten and grain) and too much coffee ( which is actually recommended by doctors for my cerebral leak) then after a year and half later of healing one crisis, I ended up fighting another chronic illness- interstitial cystitis. Painful bladder syndrome.
I was on my way to total healing and—- I got in the way.
I am still a firm believer in gluten free, sugar free, all natural, chemical/additive free living for healing— but once in a while I dont harp down on myself for wanting/having that beer, small piece of birthday cake or pizza. My “once in a whiles” are just fewer and further between! Now—I am starting to work on a beautiful balance.
So my whole story, stories, past and present, trials and temptations will be told throughout my future posts. I hope to make friends and allies in the sobriety/chronic pain/ weight loss/ health tech-world. I pray to be helped and guided and to help and guide when I can.
Every night when I close my eyes before I fall off to sleep I whisper-
“I sleep and I wake because the Lord SUSTAINS me” Psalm 3:5
And each morning when I wake and open my eyes and I pray:
“Because of the Lord ‘s great love we are not consumed, His compassion and mercy never fails they are new every morning- great is Thy faithfulness ” -Lamentations 3:23
*I will be adding posts occasionally from the old “beauty seeker” blog. (Blog.com was always bad gatewaying) I may post back stories, recipes, poems and such. I still like to see each day as an opportunity to seek and find something beautiful great or small. –In memory of my sweet brother who passed away while I was ill. He always spoke of being the “seeker” of peace and joy in life.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord…” Psalm 27
Seek and be blessed,